It should have been seven years today.  It should have been full of bliss, full of come-true fairy tales and happy-ever-afters.  But then, these mind-moulded dreams are mere hallucinations of the heart.

Declutter

I have read somewhere that we have to declutter out lives in order to live free.  Easier said than done.  There are too many sentimental values intact a lot of things, places and people that somehow, I find myself too attached to everything.  It is quite very hard to leave my own comfort zone.

It is true that one can outgrow the soiled blanket from childhood in time, although it is very hard to let go.  In my case, I have a very bad memory that most of the time I forget those happy times and quite gladly, I often forget those tearful, angry, and trying moments, but I guess, not this one.

One day can change a lifetime, so they said, and it was true. It happened to me once, and ever since, it has made me collect a lot of memories that I could not quite let go of.  Tiny trashes, bunches of dust bunnies here and there, some colorful memos somewhere that had swirled and turned into a whole pile of garbage bag somewhere down a dark alley along with those recyclable emotions have been continuously collected and neglected had been topped with spider webs of emotions.

Neglected. Until one day, I had to stand up and clean everything.  Wipe away the dust, sweep away the trash, wash away the pain.  

Vulnerability

When I was young, I took a lot of things for granted.  Invincibility took the best of me, just like most young people have gone though.  I had a big head thinking I was the oldest, the brightest, and the prettiest among the people around me.

Too pampered.  Spoiled princess.  That was how I am seen by a lot of people.  Some would say Bitchy.

Even in school, I had the air of confidence at all times.  Bragging to myself that I am better than others was constant in my head.  Then came college.  I came down on my self-made pedestal then I finally admitted to myself that I am human and I am not invincible. 

Failure after failure, rising through every stumble, then failing again.  That was how life worked out for me.  In the end, there were only struggles.  I was not struggling to survive, but I was struggling to live. Learning how forming your own life was too much that I found myself going where the flow would lead me.  Avoiding self-made decisions and submitting to what others would order me became my way of living.  I have lost my own identity.

Then, I am left alone.  Stripped off my comfort zone. 

Life’s Spoilers

Crying does not mean that one is weak… one really needs to feel pain in order to be reminded that she is still breathing, and would still have to stand up and fight.

There are instances where one might feel high and mighty, immortal even… the natural high… the seventh high… until all hell would break loose and then everything will fall down and be broken down to pieces, just like when one would walk down the valley of slumped garbage and filth.

When everything that glitters would suddenly fade, right before your eyes, or when the bright sunshine would be crashed by a thunderstorm… that sucks!

Just when you feel like being the tall soldier who would bring home the valor, you get shot on your butt…

Life’s spoilers…

Endless demises that are coming forth, sending frustration that would ramp up to the highest level, where you would burst out crying, and think that there is futility in your own action, even inside your own head.

When shouting your heart out would not do anything to lessen the burden that you are carrying, for pain cannot be passed on nor be burned by your energy.

But hey, that is life.  No matter how low you get, you still have to stand up and fight the fight, and find a reason why you are still doing it…

Sad… So Sad

It is sad. I thought that the nightmare has long been over. I thought I have already picked up the broken pieces of my life already.  I thought I have freed myself from everything that has imprisoned my soul. 

Just when I have learned to stand up and glide through life again, then, there it was… passing through the remnants of the emotions I have long thrashed down the lowest recesses of my memories.

It had hurt. More than the expectation of the mutual respect since everything had been ages ago, I never expected that the bitter truth would come out eventually.  It would be my strongest stand that it was never my fault that I cannot bring forth a life.  Has it not been enough that there were crashed castles and burned bridges?  Why would it boil down that everything had to be ruined because of fate? And where were the emotional investments that should have been buried deep in the very soul? 

Was it very wrong to expect even a little gesture of being a gentleman, just because of mere respect? If not, just for the little angels that hover above?

Sad… so sad that the deep persona of a fallen knight would not even have a humbling bone left, just to save his soul.

Byahera Kase Eh, Part 2

At ako ay pumasok na kanina ng mejo maaga dahil ayokong ma-late. Saying naman, may 2 letter of commendation na ako dahil sa mga nabubuo kong cut-off na walang late. Ahehe…

Ayun, mahaba ang pila, akala ko tuloy eh lunes, martes na nga pala. E di pumila ako.  Sinalubong na naman ako ni caller na makulit at binuhat ulit ang bag ko. Pkay lang sa akin yun kase maloko lang naman talaga. Ang hindi nagging okay eh ang una kong nakitang pumasok na van eh may sakay na naman sa unahan. Oo, ung dalawang hipon nandun na naman. Kakainis noh? E okay lang ako. Cool lang ako kase malayo pa ako. Pang tatlong van pa ako kaya di pa ako affected. Mainit nga lang kase, summer!

May nagsakay na van sa likod ng terminal. Ayun nagulo ang pila. Yung mga nainis kanina dun sa 2 hipon eh nakaprepare na na magviolent reaction dahil may sumingit at nakasakay dun sa pila. Doon ko nadiscover na kasakay ko na naman pala si super sungit na lola. Aba, aba! Humirit na naman ng ayusin nyo ang pila at binabayaran kayo para iyon ang gawin.  Meron pa syang pababain yang mga sumingit sa pila at saying ang ipinila nya.  Ayun, kasakay kop ala sya sa van. Buti nalang hindi ko sya katabi.  Yun nga lang, habang naniningil si kuya eh sinesermunan  sya ni mataray na lola. Kakausapin daw yung pangulo para palitan na sila dun sa singilan. E, hello! Mga tao nga ang nagrequest na si kuya ang gawing tagasingil dahil mabilis sya. Adik si lola. Akala mo kanya yung terminal. Nakakainis.

Pero anyway, ayun byahe mode na kame. Ok na, mabilis magmaneho si mamang driver.  Sabi ko sa isip ko, di ako malelate ngayon. Ayos! Pero mainitin pala ang ulo. Ahaha.  Nasa EDSA na kame kanina ng may bumangga sa likod ng van na sinasakyan namen. In fairness, nagising ang mala-sleeping beauty kung utak kanina. Wala naman yatang damage dahil motor lang naman yung naka abot sa likod ng van at mahina lang naman. E kaso ayun, hininto ni kuya sa gitna ng traffic ng EDSA ang van at hinamon ng suntukan yung mamang driver ng motor. Asteeeggg!!!! Galit nag alit si mamang driver.  Buti nalang di natulog, kung hindi, baka nalate ako ng bonggang-bongga.

Byahera Kase Eh

Araw-araw ako g bumibyahe ng halos dalawang oras papunta sa trabaho. Pumipila ako sa terminal ng van kung saan madami akong nakakasabay na iba’t uri ng tao.  May nakakatuwa,  may nakakainis, may nakakaaliw.

Natutunan kong umiwas na makatabi sa upuan yung isang babae na malusog, dahil pag nagkasama kami sa isang hilera ng upuan, ooooooooohindi kame magkakasya.  Nakakatakot pa naman sya kase ang laki laki nyang babae tapos diko  pa sya nakikitang ngumiti.  Minsan sya din ang naiisip kong basehan ko kung malelate ako. Pag nauna sya sa akin sa pila, ibig sabihin nun, 80% ang chance na malelate ako.

Meron din naman na mejo matanda nang ale,  pero naaaliw ako sa kanya dahil ang ganda ng posture ng lola… tuwid na tuwid ang likod at madalas ay naka high-heels pa.  tindig pang modelo, kung baga…  tapos madalas nyang soot, fuchsia pink pa!

Meron na din akong mga nagiging kabatian, kagaya nung nakatira sa kabilang subdivision na kung minsan ay nakakasakay ko pa sa trike pag umaga papunta sa may terminal. Nakakatuwa din kase kahit papano, may mga nagiging kakilala pa ako…. Minsan nakakakwentuhan… tapos yung caller at yung tagasingil… okay na din kahit minsan humihirit ng pang kape… mabait din naman sila…

Pero syempre, meron ding annoying people… ahaha… kagaya nung dalawang hipon na kung minsan, tinatawag ni lolang maganda ang posture na mahilig mag high heels na mga kabit daw yata ng mga driver dahil pag mahaba ang pila, nakikita nalang namen na tinatawagan yung mga driver para di sila pumiila. Lalabas sila ng terminal tapos makikita namen na pag may dumating na van, nakasakay na sila sa unahan pareho.  Ako, madalas din akong mainis dun sa dalawang hipon nay un, kase minsan, ako yung naiiwan sa pila dahil di nako kasya dahil sumakay na sila. Kakaimbyerna kaya yun.

Dahil nga kabiruan ko na yung caller, nasasabi ko sa kanya yung mga ayaw kong makatabi sa upuan, kagaya nga nung malusog na ale.  Di naman ako naiinis sa kanya. Di lang talaga kame magkasya pag dalawa kami sa iisang side ng upuan…  meron din naming isang aligagang ale na kay likot likot sa upuan na Akala mo lagging nasasayang ang oras nya at kailangang magmadali.  Iyon, talagang inererequest ko na wag itabi sa akin dahil hindi ko makuhang makatulog dahil sa likot nyang hawi ng hawi sa bagong blow dry nyang buhok…

At, isang ayokong makasabay sa pila e si aleng pakialamera.   Yun yung kapag nakikipagkwentuhan sa akin yung caller at yung taga singil eh mega react sya at palaging sinasabi na yung caller eh kung anu anu ang ginagawa at di ayusin ung trabaho nya… nakakadalawa na sa akin si ate… nakakapikon na sya. Malapit-lapit ko nang patulan ang nakakatanda.

Anyway, ilan lang sila sa mga nakikita at nakakasama ko araw-araw.  Diko din naman alam yung mga pangalan nila, pwera syempre yung caller at taga singil, at yung nakakasakay ko sa trike.  Pero kahit papano, sila na din yung kasama sa ritwal ng araw-araw ko.

Kakapagod maging byahera… pero okay na din… at least kahit papano, may mga nakakasalamuha akong ibang tao.

april 16, 2012